Top V: Wrestlers Who Would Thrive in the TWIN PEAKS Universe

Last Sunday, Showtime aired the fist two episodes of the Twin Peaks revival. After 25 years off the air, David Lynch and Mark Frost's absurdist satire / homage to soap operas, detective shows, and horror films, returned to the air and I watched in delight. My first viewing of Twin Peaks wasn't until a few years ago, but I was transfixed by the series for a variety of reasons, and I've spent a lot of time discussing the show with friends, family, and random strangers at bars, coffee shops, and online.

Of course, professional wrestling shares a lot of similarities with Twin Peaks: weird plot lines, soap opera-style narratives, odd characters, in percolators? As such, it seemed natural for me to begin to fantasy book wrestlers who would fit into the Twin Peaks universe.

Look, I have a lot of time on my hands. Don't judge me.

Before I get to my Top V list here (which isn't five, but again, don't judge), I wanted to get a few things out of the way: first, you won't see overtly weird or scary wrestlers on this list as they don't fit into the Lynch / Frost universe of Twin Peaks. Kane is scary (and mighttttt work as a figure in the Black Lodge), but he doesn't fit in the world. Nor does the Undertaker. Nor do most gimmick personas. One of the hard things about crafting this list was finding a balance between weird, quirky, scary, and earnestness in the characters of these wrestlers that -- in my mind -- made them plausible figures in the town of Twin Peaks.

Also, I want to give a shout-out to friend-of-the-site Ron Felten for some suggestions!

And yes: I came up with this list based on a dream I had; I also cut down the list by throwing rocks at a glass bottle while calling out the names of various wrestlers. I did accidentally hit Rick in the head with a rock, but he was fine after some coffee and doughnuts.

Missed the Cut: Daniel Bryan

At first glance, the "Beard" seems to be a natural fit for a television series set in the Pacific Northwest: his dad was a logger after all. But one of the tricky things about characters in the Twin Peaks universe is that they aren't naturalistic or realistic characters (although you could make an exception for Leo?) In any event, I think Daniel Bryan would be better served as an extra on a more realistic show set in the Pacific Northwest.

Hmm. On second thought, I'd be okay with Bryan just walking up and down highways around Twin Peaks doing the "Yes!" gesture in total silence. 

Guest Appearance: Honky Tonk Man

Having someone on their show who is the embodiment of an Elvis impersonator seems a bit too on the nose quirky / obvious for Frost and Lynch, but it's hard to deny that the Honky Tonk Man would be an excellent background character. Perhaps Honky Tonk Man could check into the Great Northern Hotel while Cooper and Truman were enjoying breakfast (and they would not give him another look).

But I think the best use of Honky Tonk Man would be if he was a regular at the Double R Diner who, like his character, acted like Elvis, but recoiled at the idea he was Elvis; instead, Honky Tonk Man should claim that Elvis stole everything -- the sideburns, the music, the outfits -- from him.

*has vision of Honk Tonk Man doing a "shoot" video in 2019 where he calls David Lynch a "big fat losing whiner who almost got his head kicked-in."*
Andre the Giant

I almost didn't include Andre the Giant to this list, given that A) there's already a giant in Twin Peaks and B) it seemed a bit too obvious.  But after a couple of glasses of wine (Andre would have had a couple bottles), I decided that Andre fit too perfectly into the Twin Peaks universe to be ignored.

While Andre's size and demeanor certainly would have helped his character transition into Twin Peaks, I think what convinced me to include him was his voice: it's deep, yet almost other-worldly, and while Andre spent a great deal of his life in the United States, he never lost his strong French accent. Taken together, Andre's voice has a near-Lynchian quality to it, and it's very easy for me to imagine Andre appearing into the Black Lodge.

God, can you imagine Andre's voice played backwards and forwards?

Dolph Ziggler

Let me get this out of the way first: I really don't get Dolph Ziggler. I know a lot of wrestling fans adore the guy, and he's talented in the ring, but....meh. I've never been compelled by his character or storylines.

Also, he oversells like crazy. In a world where seemingly no one sells anymore, he's somehow overselling. There's a fine line people.

All that said, Dolph would fit in very well in the Twin Peaks universe. He's a very solid combination of hokey / dorky, but also with an arrogance that aligns with most of the male characters of the show. Perhaps he could a relative of Bobby who comes to town and gets into a confrontation with James? If so, James would probably punch Dolph, and Dolph would be knocked down to the ground and begin to roll away. In fact, he'd probably keep on rolling out of Twin Peaks. See, he oversells much in the same way Rick and I beat jokes into the ground.

Nick Bockwinkel and Bobby Heenan

Okay, this is another cheat here, but the best manager / wrestler duo in professional wrestling history would be a great addition to the town of Twin Peaks. In lieu of detailing how seamlessly Bockwinkel and Heenan would fit into the town with their combination of intellectualism and humor, I've included some possible roles for the two:

-Out-of-town businessmen who are interested in investing in the Ghostwood project
-Senior FBI Agents who challenge Cooper at every turn
-Angry clients at One Eyed Jack's
-Competing candidates for the mayor or senate --- or Bockwinkel as the Senator and Heenan as his campaign manager

In any of these scenarios, you have television gold.

Leaping Lanny Poffo

If you know me, you are probably aware of my adoration of Macho Man Randy Savage. And know this: adding Randy Savage to most anything makes it better: hell, Randy Savage might actually improve Season 3 of Fargo.

But Randy Savage might be too big for the world of David Lynch. Instead, I'm going to suggest that Savage's brother, Lanny Poffo, might be better the better fit here. Lanny always has had a unique combination of brains, flamboyance, and pretension that seems to align with the world of Twin Peaks.

I think Poffo should be a resident of the town who, like the Log Lady, just appears at the diner or the sheriff's office and reads his poems. Most of them will be non sequiturs (and perhaps espouse odd rhetoric), but you know damn well Hawk and Cooper will spend episodes drying to decipher the meaning of Poffo's poems.

Bret Hart

Picture Harry Truman from Twin Peaks. Think of how he speaks, his body language, and his demeanor. Now picture Bret Hart. Think of how he speaks, his body language, and demeanor. Very similar yes? While Hart is more arrogant, they both share a lot of characteristics -- especially a mutual interest in doing the right thing (within reason). They also share a willingness to go rogue if the moment calls for it.

Not only does Hart share a lot of qualities with Truman, he also has a style that just seems to blend into Twin Peaks. When I was thinking of this list, I thought almost immediately that "Bret Hart would be a natural on the show." And I have to admit that I can't totally express why. He just seems to fit the universe. He's not overly weird or quirky, but his dangerous earnestness works with and against many of the characters on the show -- just as Truman, Hawk, and the One-Armed Man operate nearly perfectly with and in opposition to Cooper, the Log Lady, etc.

Plus, Hart would totally go into the Black Lodge and come out a heel (with a little piece of Bob in him). You know you want to see that.

So there we have it! My five (well, eight) wrestlers who would fit into the Twin Peaks universe. Disagree with me? Well, let's discuss it over coffee and pie! Or via Facebook or Twitter. Whichever is easier.

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