Wrestling Shame's First "Poetry Slam"

If you think about it, the promo is professional wrestling's poetry. Like literal poetry! A wrestler has to be able to move an audience to either support their character's rationale through words or convince fans that.....

Sigh, okay, I'm not going to reason through this too much. Rick and I were joking around today, and the idea of poetry / wrestling being combined sounded funny to us. So given that I'm trying to relax after a stressful few weeks professionally -- and that I don't start teaching again until next week -- I decided to give you some wrestler promos as written by famous poets.

I still could probably do another ten of these. Sometimes having a PhD in English is a bad thing.

Listen my Hulksters and you'll shall hear
The story of the battle against Andre
At Wrestlemaia, oh so near
I know he'll be ruing the day
That he ripped my crucifix away
At the Silverdome, let me tell ya
I'm goin' to slam that Giant fella
Prayers and vitamins for all
Bobby and Andre, just one fall
Brother, you know it's true
Hulkmania's going run wild on you

"The Hulkster's Tale" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


A strong-style wrestler
To the main roster I went
Splash, silence, again

"Nakamura" by Matsuo Basho 


I caught a battle which made a taste
Of the ringing quell
It is easy to pursue
What they do not want
They are not able to seperate
The ringing of the battle
Tell me Warriors
Does the battle time ring neigh?
Can the Warriors hear
What the bell is ringing?
A war is a war is a war
Hulk Hogan
The fates of war will come down on you
And the bells toll for you

-Ultimate Warrior promo written by Gertrude Stein


The Game and his Lady quarreled -- why,
Not many of the fans could divineuhhh
Though several hundred bloggers chose to try
Twas no concern or theirs nor mineeeuhhh
I loathe the fans, I do what's best for business
But there's so much in which I shine
Like putting over my pals in the clique
My next championship run with make you sick.

-HHH by Lord Byron



A wrestler came to the ring
Step by step
Paws
Silence he stood
Suffering Succotash
Remorse for all

-Untitled Roman Reigns promo, written by William Carlos Williams (anonymously) 


infinite hayight
beaaaard i
        look
        down
grunting
screem
        inggggg
squat now
tiiiiiiiiip
a
  m
    b
     u
       l
        a
         n
          c
           e
Roarrrrrrrrrrrrr

-"I" from Seven Braun Strowman Promos by e.e. cummings 


Let me tell ya there's a limo of ladies
Who just want to please the ol' Nature Boy
Now before the Horsemen send you to Hades
And fine girls of Greensboro get the toy
Just take a look at my designer shoes
And feast your eye on my new gold Rolex
They do cost more than your plumber's son's hous'
And this fine fine suit, how I want to flex
So so Dusty Rhodes, now this ain't no news
You had better contact that loser Faust
The only way you'll win the belt anew
Is if the devil comes to take my WOOOOOO

-Sonnet 256 for Sir Ric Flair by the William "Stylin' and Profilin'" Shakespeare