Shameful 2018 Royal Rumble Predictions

Want to see something truly shameful? Check out our predictions from last year. I (Rick) picked The Undertaker to win the Rumble. I was very wrong.

**note from JDP** I picked Jericho. I don't know what I'm doing.

But it's Royal Rumble time and we're back again. This time we're breaking things up into three sections and we're each doing all of our picks in one section. It might be easier to read this way? I have no idea.

Onto the predictions!


"Oh god its her again," you're probably thinking as you read this.

Aside from Rumble predictions, there's a few other matches going on. But I do love NXT and Saturday there's some fun stuff going on at Takeover!

Men's NXT Championship: This might change by the time the actual match rolls around if Velveteen Dream beats Johnny Gargano this week, but Johnny Wrestling is going to take on Almas for the men's title. I think Johnny has to come out on top right? This is a Cinderella story like Phil Kessel, but regardless I always enjoy Zelina Vega ringside because she is absolutely vicious. Goals, honestly.

Women's NXT Championship: Shayna Baszler vs Ember Moon. Two really incredibly talented women fighting for the title? Sign. Me. Up. As long as Ember retains.

Adam Cole vs Aleister Black: This is a feud I didn't know I needed in my life, but here we are. LIMITED RULES MATCH. Aleister is going from a "say my name" match to a "stop saying your own name" match. He is going to kick Adam Cole (baybay) so hard that even Kenny Omega and Matt Jackson cant find this ghost.

On to Sunday:

Triple Threat Match for the Universal Championship: The worlds worst employee faces off against a libertarian mayor and a literal monster. I hope Kane is only in this to take a pin- dont you have mayor stuff to do? Brock retains and we have six more weeks of winter.  

Raw Tag Team Championship: I am the Cesaro section. The Bar should come out on top.

Smackdown Tag Team Championship: Benjamin and Gable are weird heels and I don't like it. Usos retain.

AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn: This is a handicap match and I am so tired of this garbage with Shane trying to pin everyone against each other. Daniel Bryan is probably going to fight Shane McMahon. He better. I wanted that at Clash of Champions. Stop trying to make Kami happen, AJ.

Cruiserweight Championship: This went to hell quickly, didn't it? Keep that belt away from Gulak. IT IS CURSED.

Men's Royal Rumble Predictions:
First Elimination: Curt Hawkins. Doesn't he belong on the mat? 

Iron Man: Finn Balor (I'm not picking favorites, see!) 

Shortest Time: Xavier Woods

Who Eliminates the Most? Randy is going to RKO everyone and I'm going to be mad.

Surprise Entrants: I'm putting money on Dolph to show up. How funny would that be? Maybe Chris Jericho? He proved he can keep up with the younger guys at the Tokyo Dome. Maybe some Cruiserweights? Get Gulak in there! ADAM COLE BAYBAYYY!

Last Elimination: Shinske Nakamura.

Winner: Roman Reigns. I don't even get to express joy typing this because its only because everything goes to Roman. I'm biased for Roman and I don't like that hes going to win.
 (You can all @ me when he wins because you know I like him, or when he gets eliminated.)

Most Awkward Elimination: Big E. Hes gonna go down thrusting his hips.

Competitor with the Least Chance of Winning: Shinske. Hes small for his size but he is so talented!

Cheap Pop Entrant: Cena. 

Elimination That Makes the Crowd Do an Annoying Chant: Tye Dillinger is gonna give us 10 chants.

Wacky Kofi Kingston Non-Elimination: This will involve pancakes somehow. Don't ask me, I just have a hunch.

Women's Royal Rumble:
If I have to listen to that ad one more time of Stephanie screeching like her father on TV, I will lose my shit. Make history? How about you make history by paying them as much as the male superstars? Equal promo time? Stories based around more than cattiness? No? Can they at least stop worshiping the ground Steph walks on?

Regardless, here are my picks: 

First Elimination: Alicia Fox is going to look at the competition and run away. 


Shortest time: Liv Morgan

Who Eliminates the Most? Naomi

Surprise Entrants: The Bellas will probably be back. Probably Rhonda Rousey, which, no thanks. Get Nikki Cross in there! Iconic who? 

Last Elimination: Nia Jax

Winner: Asuka

Most Awkward Eimination: Carmella. Shes just really awkward.

Competitor with the Least Chance of Winning: Bayley. They never let Bayley have anything! Im mad about that.

Cheap Pop Entrant: Lana

Elimination That Makes the Crowd Do an Annoying Chant: I honestly have nothing for this. Nattie will probably get booed a lot?

Anyway, this weekend will be fun and I cant wait to watch. Besides, I can keep dreaming right? 

"Who do you want to win the Rumble, Jay?"


I have no idea about any of the NXT stuff....sooooooooooo

Triple Threat Match for the Universal Championship: Fuck it: they are going to give it to Kane, aka Knoxville's Ron Swanson 

Raw Tag Team Championship: The "Bar" is too high. Get it? Hit that follow button folks. 

Smackdown Tag Team Championship: I like the Usos to retain here. 

AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn: The real purpose of this match is to set-up Bryan vs McMahon at Wrestlemania. I really don't care at this point. So the big winner in all of this is Shane. 

Cruiserweight Championship: *pending criminal background check*

Men's Royal Rumble:
First Elimination: Goldust

Iron Man: Finn Balor 

Shortest Time: Xavier Woods

Who Eliminates the Most? Finn Balor

Surprise Entrants: Somebody from the NWO is going to show up; Jericho? 

Last Elimination: Shinske Nakamura.

Winner: Fuck it's going to be Reigns. He'll enter at 30 and win and the crowd will lose its shit -- again. 

Most Awkward Elimination: Nakamura will have a really awkward bump

Competitor with the Least Chance of Winning: Curt Hawkins 

Cheap Pop Entrant: The ECW alum who enters the Rumble (one of the Dudley Boys, Tommy Dreamer, or Rob Van Damn)

Elimination That Makes the Crowd Do an Annoying Chant: Whichever wrestler wears a Patriots or Penguins jersey to the ring will be eliminated and the crowd will love it and break into a "We Want Brady" or a "Crosby Sucks" chant. I will not find either of these annoying. 

Wacky Kofi Kingston Non-Elimination: He will break his fall by jumping off a Tom Brady look-alike in the crowd.

Women's Royal Rumble
First Elimination: Beth Phoenix

Iron Woman: Becky Lynch or Nattie.

Shortest Time: See my surprise entrant list

Who Eliminates the Most? Asuka maybe?

Surprise Entrants: Since most people are calling for her to show up, I'm not sure Rousey will count as a surprise per se --- so I'm going to go with a guy like James Ellsworth or Santino dressed in drag who is immediately booted out of the Rumble. Also, Stephanie McMahon will inject herself into this.

Last Elimination: Asuka --- or Stephanie McMahon.

Winner: Ronda Rousey --- I hope I'm wrong

Most Awkward Elimination: Bayley?

Competitor with the Least Chance of Winning: Going to agree with Jay and say Bayley. But I don't care for Bayley.

Cheap Pop Entrant: Trish Status?

Elimination That Makes the Crowd Do an Annoying Chant: Let's Go Eagles will break out at some point. Again, it will not be annoying to me.


I support NXT in the sense that I want the brand to do well, but not in the sense that I watch it with any sort of consistency. I have no predictions for those matches, but I do predict a minimum of 32 "THIS IS AWESOME" chants at the show because, to NXT crowds, everything is aweome.

Triple Threat Match for the Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar hits 13 suplexes, pins Kane, and then heads back to the woods for a while. Strowman should have won the title at No Mercy.

Raw Tag Team Championship: The Bar when Rollins and Jordan just can't get along.

Smackdown Tag Team Championship: Gable and Benjamin because, if the Usos win, who else is there to face? (Also, why didn't they give former Team Angle member Shelton Benjamin the "favoured by Kurt Angle" storyline and left Jordan and Gable together?)

AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn: What is even going on here? AJ wins because of Shane McMahon or some other appropriate nonsense.

Cruiserweight Championship: They should just set the title on fire at this point.

Men's Royal Rumble
First Elimination: "Woken" Matt Hardy

Iron Man: Roman Reigns

Shortest Time: Aiden English

Who Eliminates the Most? Roman Reigns

Surprise Entrants: Somebody from ECW. Let's go with Tommy Dreamer since the Dudleyz just showed up. And Booker T maybe? Kane?

Last Elimination: John Cena

Winner: Look, we know that Reigns versus Lesnar for the Universal Title is closing WrestleMania. But Reigns doesn't have to win the Rumble to get there. We all know WWE would love to book him to win as the crowd chants his name, but not even they're obtuse enough to think that having Reigns win will result in anything but anger and rage from the crowd, are they?

I actually kind of want to see Reigns win just to see the reaction from the crowd. I also kind of want to see John Cena win, because Cena versus Lesnar would be a big time match and the storyline of Cena going for his first Universal Title and record 17th title overall would be a good one, but I don't see that happening either.

So I'm going to go with Shinsuke Nakamura. Of course, if he wins, he'll be subjected to "SmackDown Royal Rumble Winner" treatment where he gets to be in the "main event" but his "main event" match either opens the show or is buried on the card and no one remembers it (see Orton in 2017, Sheamus in 2012, Alberto Del Rio in 2011, and Edge in 2010). So look for WWE Champion AJ Styles and Royal Rumble Winner Shinsuke Nakamura to open WrestleMania 34 in a six-minute match.

Most Awkward Elimination: Baron Corbin because it's really awkward when nobody cares.

Competitor with the Least Chance of Winning: Apollo Crews

Cheap Pop Entrant: Tommy Dreamer and John Cena

Elimination That Makes the Crowd Do an Annoying Chant: Tye Dillinger was a good pick, Jay. I don't get why he's a thing. People just like chanting stuff, right?

Wacky Kofi Kingston Non-Elimination: SWERVE! He's eliminated easily with no fanfare by, I don't know, let's say Elias.

Women's Royal Rumble
First Elimination: Mickie James

Iron Woman: Sasha Banks

Shortest Time: Bayley

Who Eliminates the Most? Asuka

Surprise Entrants: Someone who was at RAW25 (Kelly Kelly or Michelle McCool or Torrie Wilson or someone else, but not Trish Stratus). I hope Ronda Rousey doesn't show up because actual women wrestlers deserve the spotlight in the first-ever Women's Royal Rumble.

Last Elimination: Nia Jax

Winner: It looks like Asuka will win. WWE is making it look like Asuka will win. Asuka never loses, so it makes sense to have her dominate this match and go on to murder Alexa Bliss at WrestleMania (I'm sorry Alexa!!!) But that almost makes too much sense, right? So it's gotta be someone else.

No, not even WWE could screw this up. Asuka wins. Then Stephanie McMahon raises her arm in victory because STEPHANIE CREATED ALL OF THIS AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT DAMMIT!!!

Most Awkward Elimination: Carmella because it will involve James Ellsworth somehow. He's still with the company, right? (Looks it up) No? Well, he'll be back for one night just to ruin this. It's his thing.

Competitor with the Least Chance of Winning: Both of you are right. It's sadly Bayley. I feel like she's going to be released soon.

Cheap Pop Entrant: Someone from ECW. Can Jazz still wrestle? I think she sued WWE, but maybe they'll let her back out on TV for one night.

Elimination That Makes the Crowd Do an Annoying Chant: Bayley.

While you're waiting for the Royal Rumble, why not ask "Where's Roman?" and then buy a shirt that is wondering the same?

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