WrestleMania 34 Preview & Predictions: Part One

It's WrestleMania! That means we're half excited, half dreading to see how WWE will screw this up. There are approximately 200 matches on this card, which will likely take about ten hours to complete, so we've split this post into two. The second part will feature the major men's and women's title matches for each brand.

WrestleMania Women's Battle Royal

Jay: I think its gonna play a lot on Sasha and Bayley and thats one of my favorite stories right now.

JDP2: "The winner of this Battle Royal will now receive the Ilse Koch Memorial Trophy. Surely no one can find issue with that!" -- WWE management

Rick: Wait, wait wait... Sasha Banks versus Bayley isn't going to be a one-on-one match on this show!?!? That's ridiculous, but I guess something needed to be cut to make time for Triple H's entrance. As for this match, the winner will probably be the Fabulous Moolah, somehow.

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Jay: Curt Hawkins, baby!

JDP2: The real winner will be us because none of us will remember who won this within a week.

Rick: Does anyone else feel bad for Andre the Giant at this point? Like... he deserves better.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali

This is a match of two faces, but I beg you to watch it, because these two are amazing performers. Please stop sleeping on the Cruiserweights.

JDP2: So I don't watch 305 Live or whatever it's called, so I'm clueless on this match. But both these guys have names that sound like the generic jobber wrestlers from the 1980s. Ali for the win then.

Rick: *Sleeping on the Cruiserweights*

WWE SmackDown Tag Team Championship
The Usos (Jey and Jimmy Uso) (c) vs. The New Day (Big E, Kofi Kingston, and/or Xavier Woods) vs. The Bludgeon Brothers (Harper and Rowan)

Jay: I'd like Tyler and Fandango to arrest the hillbillies.

JDP2: I'm still holding out hope the BWO makes an entrance here.

Rick: Probably the Bludgeon Brothers, because the Usos and New Day have already won the tag belts 27 times each.

WWE Raw Tag Team Championship
Cesaro and Sheamus (c) vs. Braun Strowman and Mystery Partner

Jay: I like Brain Stowman to be honest. I want one of two things. Lars Sullivan to make his debut from NXT, or Neville's return on the main roster with Braun.

JDP2: Braun Strowman is great. There's no way the WWE can screw this up!

*Ron Howard in Arrested Development: "They screwed it up."

Rick: I've heard Bray Wyatt or Dean Ambrose rumours about the mystery partner. I hope it's Wyatt and they win the tag belts, and I hope Harper and Rowan win the other tag belts, and the Wyatts reform as something actually cool and tough and menacing. Who am I kidding? There's no way WWE lets that happen. The mystery partner will be Kid Rock or something.

Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon vs. Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn

Jay: Typical McMahon shit show, but I am so happy for Daniel.

JDP2: Calling it: they will try to turn Daniel Bryan heel by turning on Shane.

Rick: Daniel Bryan returning to the ring at WrestleMania in the same stadium he won the title is an incredible story. So, of course, WWE will focus on Shane McMahon.

Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey vs. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon

Jay: I win this match because I'm muting the television and shoving pizza in my face.

JDP2: On the one hand, Rousey will draw too much attention to NOT go over here. On the other, I think they are building a "McMahon vs Austin" narrative here with Steph and Ronda, so I suspect that Stephanie and HHH will win here to advance a long-term booking plan (LOL, no -- it's because I don't trust either one of them).

Rick: Ronda turns heel on Kurt and joins the reformed Authority, because evil authority figure McMahons are what the kids are screaming for in 2018.

Speaking of things the kids love in 2018, here's a performance by WWE Hall of Famer, and future Senator, Kid Rock!!!

John Cena vs. The Undertaker

Jay: Why is Taker out there in the ring all by himself?

JDP2: I can't see Taker wrestling any more after this, so he should give the win to Cena. But Taker is going to win this match -- and I can't say I like the idea.

Rick: I don't like this idea either. Undertaker's "last match" was perfect. What's the point of him coming back? To lose to Cena or, even worse, to beat Cena? Also, I feel like the rumours pointing to the return of the "American Bad Ass" are true. Yes, that would make sense considering he left his "Deadman" gear in the ring last year but, no, I don't want to see it.

Ten bucks says they don't have a "match" but something like a "confrontation" so Roman can still be the guy who retired the Undertaker. Maybe Roman will come out and retire Cena too.

WWE Intercontinental Championship
The Miz (c) vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Bálor

Jay: Do you even know me? How dare you even ask me.

JDP2: Honky Tonk Man.

Rick: The Miz is my hero. But never cheer him. Ever. Let us have ONE heel who is actually booed. I'm going to go with Finn here, because it gives him something to do other than not get a rematch for the Universal Title that he never lost.

WWE United States Championship
Randy Orton (c) vs. Bobby Roode vs. Jinder Mahal vs. Rusev

Happy Rusev Day. yinz.

JDP2: The winner of this match will have facial hair.

Rick: Why is Randy Orton still a thing?

Stay tuned for part two. We can do this, everyone. We can get through this.

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